You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
