Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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