I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
