Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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