textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
