if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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