Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
