I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my shit smells like andre
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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