I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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