I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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