He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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