Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
