We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize