Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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