I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
