i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
