Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
