I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.