come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity