life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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