youre lurking in front of me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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