tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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