i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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