I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
