It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
