She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
