I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
