I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
