Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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