He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
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Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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