This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
