I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
