Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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