Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
