I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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