My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
