I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
