saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
