I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
