So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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