I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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