Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
