and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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