dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
