you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
