Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
