ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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