True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
only if we run a train.
done.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
