I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
