have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
