I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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