Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
