i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
