I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
