Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
