I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
