I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
