Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
